All that plastic and re-shaped skin must be making Heidi Montag delusional. Spencer Pratt  has decided that the new and improved Heidi would be perfect to replace Megan Fox in the Transformers franchise and put together a short audition tape for director Michael Bay.

Well..it’s less of an ‘audition tape’ and more of an ‘Spencer recording Heidi shooting a gun on his iphone’ but you get the point.

There is no way in hell Michael Bay is going to cast Franken-Heidi as Shia Lebeouf’s love interest in Transformers 3. Mostly because I’m guess Shia would say ‘see ya later..no way I’m kissing that and fighting ginormous Autobots’.

Although….Michael Bay does love a trashy looking chick….

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I guess this is what happens when you spend $30,000 on plastic surgery. I guess those bikini pool parties don’t pay as much as you’d think.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag seem to have a perfect home life on The Hills, but Life & Style magazine says the truth is they live in a unsafe, unkempt, mediocre house in Pacific Palisades. And not only that…according to L&S’s source, Heidi is pretty much being held captive.

“Heidi has been allowed to leave the house only three times in the last month,” the insider tells Life & Style. And Spencer’s even moved a guard into the house. “He’s let one of his new friends, a former Marine named Paul “Cougar” Zank, move in with them. He’s staying in the guest room,” a second insider says. “Heidi’s upset about it, but Spencer doesn’t care.”

The insider shares frightening never-before-seen photos of their actual home far from Hollywood in LA’s Pacific Palisades area. The kitchen and living room are filled with Spencer’s crystals, stacks of his screenplays and junk everywhere. “Their four dogs aren’t housebroken,” an insider tells Life & Style. “They go to the bathroom all over the house. Heidi is sometimes near tears at the dogs’ mess, but Spencer just orders her to pick it up.”

As much I want this story to be true, I have a feeling this is a planted fake…by the evil one himself. I do think Spencer would do and say all those things to Heidi. I do not think he would ever lower himself to live in this house.

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Finally something intelligent and right comes from Heidi Montag. Or from her friends rather. Star magazine says six months after having $30K worth of plastic surgery, Heidi is starting to realize that have ten surgeries in one day was a mistake. Not because she looks like a trashy porn star now, but because she is still in excruciating pain.

In this week’s issue of Star, we reveal Heidi’s regrets about getting DDD breast implants and having her chin shaved down. “And she’s telling friends, ‘I made a mistake!’,” a family friend tells Star.

Swollen wracked with pain, Heidi’s dream body feels more like a prison. “She cries every night,” a source says. “She’s a wreck over what she’s done to herself.” Another insider adds, “She’s in so much pain, she doesn’t like anyone to touch her,” and hubby Spencer Pratt is no exception.

I suppose that’s where the pain pill addiction rumors started. I really can’t believe it’s legal (or ethical) for a doctor to perform that many surgeries at one time. Homegirl is going to be in pain for a few more minutes I’m afraid.

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If you missed the premiere of of season 6 of The Hills Tuesday night, never fear. I’ve got the best part of it right here for you.

Watch Heidi Montag face the music with her family as she returns home to Colorado. It’s awesome!

“Of course I thought you were more beautiful before,” her mom said. “I thought you were younger, I thought you were fresher looking, I thought you were healthier. What’s done is done.”

Later on the family is eating dinner at a restaurant, which proves difficult for Heidi.

“How’s that burger?” her sister Holly asked.

“I can’t really chew it,” Heidi said, struggling with a mouthful of meat.

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For some strange reason, Heidi Montag is still pursuing a career in music.

Please enjoy the video of the title track of her album…Superficial. Before you start laughing, there is some entertainment value in this video. It’s the cheese factor..but that’s about all you get with the Montag.

“This is real footage we’ve collected over the years,” Heidi told People of the video. “I’m a reality star and wanted to bring that into my music video. Someone like Lady Gaga has to fake paparazzi for her video and create that whole world but that’s the real life I live,” Heidi adds. “That’s my reality. “

Someone like Lady Gaga has actual talent, too. With that often comes music that actually sells and videos with actual budgets to promote it.

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